A Promise Kept
(Copied from a Facebook status I wrote this morning)
I just felt like sharing the miracle....
The night before last, something big began to rise out of the deep within me -- like the Lochness Monster stirring in deep waters. Seemingly for no reason at the dinner table, my reality began contorting into a familiar warp where all the mirrors start to reflect a huge frightening Doubt. Thoughts were flooding in to give voice to the doubt - "what if this tour ends and I'm stuck in a situation I hate?" "what am I doing here when I don't belong?" ....and countless others condemning me in all facets of my life.
I have enough experience with this weird theater of the mind that I did not panic....I got quieter and very inward and tuned to Listening. I was told and tried to remember I could trust whatever was going to unfold.
Yesterday afternoon as I was returning with our host from an unsuccessful trip to the Post Office (it was Columbus Day and everything was closed), I saw a bizarre billboard -- it just said "VILE" for no reason I could comprehend. I got home, and this very VILE feeling -- the Lochness Monster -- breached the surface within me. I spent the day in my mind, with the Holy Spirit (who sometimes looked like Ricki), just sitting with whatever it was. Ultimately, there was more clarity and it felt like a distortion between egoic wanting vs. Loving. It felt sickening and created physical nausea and a huge weight in my chest and a feeling of self loathing and shameful disgust. At the core was a red hot declaration that I was guilty for having no clue how to Love without attachment and self-interested motivation (subtle forms of "I need -- give to me") and that I could not be trusted....that all the Love I thought I'd expressed and experienced from others was a farce, a grotesque facsimile of God's Love.
It felt so all-encompassing, so intrinsic, so part of my life and soul's DNA, I could see that I couldn't even pretend I could pull myself up by the infected bootstraps this time...it felt too vast. I really had NO IDEA how to heal this, so I just surrendered to my helplessness.
I seemed also to be dealing with a perplexing relationship which through it all had given a specific context that had evoked the arising darkness. Lots of ideas of what it was all about, what I could/should do, the personal flaws, missteps, and weaknesses that were at cause, etc. had come in from various sources of my mind. Yet something in me just got quieter. I watched the mind that wanted to take some kind of action -- or righteous stand/position -- to rectify things, yet something much stronger... like a Hand ....grabbed me from within and anchored me as though to say, "No. Stay." So I did. I just remembered like a mantra, "I need do nothing."
At some point, I remembered my prayer a day or two earlier after an intense glimpse of the closeness and perfection of Heaven -- "Dear God, I am ready to awaken...to be Home....no longer do I see any value in delay. I no longer cherish the "healing process" and I don't want the "safety" of savoring the steps of the ladder anymore. I am Done! Show me!" Then I knew there'd been no accident and nothing had gone wrong. The Lochness Monster was a block I'd been ready to lift. It was surfacing to be undone. I then felt my mind spontaneously rush towards this intense, very present Source of Love, which is right Here and totally all-encompassing. It is blissful in every sense....
And something has just clicked that I felt to share -- I saw that the only thing I can ever "do" is to see the problem how it is, not how I set it up. I have been cherishing a speck, the past, as it seemed to get projected onto the situation/person/myself. The more I tried to understand the problem, the more I was feeding it with belief, and the more that would get reflected back. Yet the whole thing is a massive setup!
It will never be figured out or fixed/resolved, because it doesn't exist. It is just a distraction from a part of my mind that hasn't been believing it was ready to Be Home...it's like part of me has been saying, "wait, wait...I'm not ready....just let me dream about awakening, but stay sleeping a little longer."
And then I remembered David Hoffmeister's email to his Yahoo group the day we left for the northeast tour a few days ago. It was brief and quoted the Course -- "This course will be believed entirely, or not at all. For it is wholly true or wholly false, and cannot be but partially believed. And you will either escape from misery entirely, or not at all."
And I laughed. There is no wiggle room in that statement. There is no process really. We're either ready or we're not. And that's okay...we are not guilty for having fear, but isn't it a relief to be honest about it all? It's not mysterious, we're just wanting -- at a deep level -- to delay. I can do myself a big favor seeing the problem as it is even if I'm not quite ready to have it be solved.
I am lifting rapidly from any belief in specifics that would seem to contain "problems." Any sense of wrongness is only some smoke-and-mirrors version of a regurgitated past thought. There's just one past thought -- a mistaken idea I could separate from the Source that I Am, from Love, and a lingering sense of fear of undoing that faulty choice. But the gig is up -- and that fear is rapidly dissipating in the sunshine of the Awakening Mind.
I feel the days of being preoccupied with the past are over..... what freedom! Choose Love or meaningless....Really? That's it? Just Love and be happy? Can it be so practical and easy...and prescribed....to be in Joy? Yes, I see it really is! The promise is really so freakin' simple and True.
thank you, God.