Taming the Monster vs. Letting Go of Specialness
Neediness is a cruel thing to harbor...it's cruel to yourself and to others. Neediness engenders guilt and fear and pain and a sense of owing what can never be paid. These often get buried and translated into anger...at the self or someone else.
We all deal with neediness, and we shouldn't feel bad. But we should want to undo it because ultimately it hurts. Neediness, the special relationships that we cling to...this is what causes suffering.
I am seeing how in subtle ways I have still tried to use faux "forgiveness" as a way to keep my own neediness under the rug:
- I must feed somewhere because I am not enough. (The ego's dirge that we listen to unconsciously until it's fully exposed and let go of...a process.)
- If I "forgive" the person/situation/problem in front of me -- i.e. overlook and keep doing what I'm doing and allowing them/myself to do what they do when it is not what I feel to be True/Right/Guided in my heart -- I can keep feeding off of them.
- If I can keep feeding off them, I can preserve the hidden state of my own neediness.
I see that I have confused things in the world with things of the mind. I realize I have done it on purpose for the reasons above. Not consciously, but as a deeper part of the mind chooses for the ego/personal self and isn't ready yet to let it go..this is the weird, distorted "miracle impulses" that show up. The Purpose is good so it's got healing value, but it doesn't pack the big release that True Forgiveness offers.
The Holy Spirit reminds us we have no needs. We don't need anything for a body or a personhood...not physically or psychologically. But while we still think we're bodies, which we all do, He suggests we take a smaller step to get to that realization...that step is to just know all our needs are already met...or "Livin' in the given" as some Friends cheerfully say.
And with that knowing, He asks us to stop making plans, which is ego trapping us into fearful futures based on our guilty pasts. Start doing what feels right to the Heart when the Heart is in Peace with Him. Deal with what is present Now. Let the thoughts fly in to fill whatever seeming need unfolds right on time and not before. When they come, they are not attached to anything else...they don't drag in big stories with them. They come from a wise source that does not misuse/abuse thinking like the ego does.
He also asks us another way -- he says "Step back and let Him lead the way."
I am seeing -- again -- that to really get to the core I must feel a lot of imagined pain first get to that Peaceful place. This is the big problem -- this is where people like to bypass the whole mess and just bliss out. It doesn't work that way.
Just like David says in the earlier video...you/I gotta feel the hurt/anger/fear/guilt to let it go. It is covering up where the Holy Spirit lives so we muddle around in circles...trying to hear guidance and wondering why the loudspeakers aren't working or whether it's the Holy Spirit's year off...or whether He just doesn't like us.
We gotta feel it...and it can feel like our guts are dissolving....i.e. Not Fun.
It's like going through a alcohol or nicotine withdrawal process. All the fear/guilt/anger that the feeding business was covering up is exposed. The ego wants/hopes we will give up and give in. It hopes we will race over to the addiction and feed again....it lies and says we can tame the monster by throwing it just one more carcass.
But we don't want to tame the monster anymore. The monster never really gets tamed or satiated...it's appetite is endless. It has to be just to keep up the silly illusion that we're separate from everything.
Our guts are dissolving. We are in a cocoon, and we will break free to fly like the butterfly...but we have to work the process...we have to allow it to unfold even when it's dark and we think we're crazy 'cuz nothing looks right anymore and we hurt a lot.
I have good Hands physical and otherwise to hold as I do my current batch of toxic need-based ego pain, and I urge you to reach for One too if you find yourself relating. And to all those who Join me in this Awakening process, I give thanks and my humble appreciation.