David Hoffmeister: Facing the Self Hatred and Rage
We know because we are good students. We've studied hard and well. We are not fooled like we used to be. Still, our understanding doesn't pay the mortage, so to speak. Forgivness pays the mortage.
Forgiveness gets more necessary the more understanding we have. Irony! You may have noticed that I (and you) find myself facing unadulterated MURDEROUS rage....the kind that inspired the "Twinkie defense" and 9/10ths of what the world regards as "news" more often than I wish. Yes, "after all these years" on the spiritual journey, I sometimes mutter with a proverbial sigh. It seems like I'm beside myself with strong feelings of various forms of, shall we say, unpleasantness, every other day or so.
And in between these states, I experience more states of Peace.
On a bad day, I can feel like Cybil...a very split personality. (As my husband and I were sharing earlier, Helen Shucman, scribe of ACIM, was the Queen of split personalities, so we have good company.)
And I write/muse about these experiences, because, well...they ARE my experiences. And the one thing we're here to do with each other (maybe you didn't realize we had a plan together but we did!) is be honest.
It is (the sharing, that is) "guided" by the J. fellow whispering in my ear or giving me that gut feeling/nudge that "it's time." I never know what I'm going to write when I start a post, but always take away a big Something when I finish a post. Sharing my "uglies" -- exposing them here to the anonymous inter-world -- is the Purpose if you were wondering, because we all need some kind of Process to take us through this damn tunnel of illusory darkness as we shine the Light.
My lovely friend, David Hoffmeister -- an amazing fellow/symbol/reflection/Teacher/Gift -- reminded me today (via this YouTube video!) that feeling and exposing the rage is actually a Good Thing. Yes, you hear me right.
We tend to think it means we've messed up, so we need these reminders often. And I do mean OFTEN often.
We can't do this without a ton of encouragement and some symbols like those Teachers -- in our workshops, on our library shelf, and on the "inter-nuts" -- that remind us, usually with a virtual hair tousle and cheerful smile, that, yes, it's going to be damn uncomfortable, but no one ever died from being uncomfortable. These are the folks who have spelunked through the same dark places and lived to tell about it, so we can believe them...plus, now look! They are so damn Peaceful and Happy!
So, no, you and I aren't "wrong" or bad ACIM students. As a matter of fact, we're right on schedule, if anyone is asking. Ain't that nice to know? :)
See...underneath the hate is the REAL Love that the hate is trying desperately to hide with this freak show we call "the world." But you and I know too much, and we're not satisfied with that story anymore. We can't turn back, so we're going through....layer by steamy layer...
We fantasized in high school about it and we thought we meant boys. We figured it out now, though, and look out! We're going..... All.The.Way.
It looks freaky down this hole we think we're lost in sometimes, but a) we're not really lost and b) we're never alone. And oh yeah... c) 'through' is the only way out. We tried all the other ways and all we got is the dumb t-shirt and a credit card bill.
David talks a lot about Trust, too. It pays our way. It greases the wheels. I would say don't worry that your Trust account is too low, because it's like the fishes and loaves. You have just enough Trust or you wouldn't be where you are. So put your nickel's worth of Trust in your rhinestone clutch, put on your strappy heels and fancy "going in" clothes, grab a Companion's hand, and as Bill Thetford said, Don't Forget To Laugh.