"Hopeless but not serious" or The Real Conspiracy
Here's a confession: I'm one of "those" people...I would probably be bucketed quickly as a "conspiracy theorist" by both the folks who rely on CNN to serve them up their world view between commercials and the spiritual people people who have given up worldly news altogether.
I am not happy about this somewhat alienating state I've found myself in. I mean, all I ever wanted to be when I grew up is a moderately successful NICE person. This conspiracy stuff does not fit in with my idea of who I ought to be in this world, but here I am. As the joke goes, "if you want to give God a laugh, tell him your plans." Or as Byron Katie says, "when I argue with reality, I lose...but only 100% of the time."
It's been a long five years of allowing my feeling of "something is not right" and the questions that would bubble up if I allowed them to penetrate the resistance to lead me. It's led into a lot of dark areas where it's not safe to roam for long stretches at a time. It's also NOT yielded many solid answers, although this inquiry has led me to certainty within myself that things of the world are not as they are purported to be.
I'm not really saying much, I realize, but the point of this post is not to educate you on the various forms of manipulation and viciousness that fear/guilt take in the illusion, nor pop any of your worldview bubbles. (You have libraries and the Internet for that.) And anyway, "the real story" -- whatever it may be -- has so many facets that you can pretty much spin the wheel and pick the one that suits you.
If it seems hypocritical (or "mistaken") to you that a person who focuses on a non-dualistic spirituality which only says about 10,000 times "there is no world" would wind her way down these rabbit holes looking for answers in the very same world that doesn't exist -- well, I hear you. I have questioned the very same thing about myself. The last time was probably only 20 minutes ago when I decided to write this post.
When I ask the Holy Spirit --which I do regularly -- I know resisting this inquiry is not the right action. Resistance makes persistence. Taking His Hand, and following the steps on my Path...the one shown to me by the events that unfold before me and the impulses that arise....is my path. Evidently.
(Yes, and I realize it's not true inquiry at the level of the ego, but propaganda..but that's another post.)
Yes, evidently, there's no mistake that you and I were seemingly born at the time we were to be alive during this time. (I won't say "seemingly" over and over, but you need to get that I get that this is a dream.) Hence, avoiding the very things that seem to confront me seems like a good way to avoid taking the very steps that will take me Home. NONE of the steps are real, since I never left Home, of course, so given that, why not keep it simple and engage where I am? (which is where I'm not...I know...but it's where I brush my teeth every day, and that's about as good of a stake in the ground as any, classroom-wise.)
Why is this important to me, I ask myself? Well, for a very long time, I've thought I needed to do something to be a better person, student, spiritual seeker, whatever, so that I could finally drop all these worldly concerns (before politics, it was career building and before that relationships, etc. etc.) and accept something holier, more spiritual, more loving as ""a path." Something ...er..more "suitable" for a good ACIM student. LOL!
What's more, I see now that deep down, beneath my conscious awareness but just barely, I was pretty sure there must be something waiting for me that would be clearly more worthy...if only I could get my forgiveness/mind training skills in Olympic Game condition and finally reach the ring.
This hypothetical path would probably hold out lots of goodies, too. (I see NOW that I thought that.) It would appear to the world as a "good Path." YAY! I would be APPROVED of by some group of people -- while I would deny I needed approval -- and I would noticeably help others "out there" in ways I could see with my body's eyes.
I am chuckling at myself. :) Yes, I have dabbled in those ideas, and they have been projected on to countless others by my ego.
But that's just all more ego story-telling and identification, isn't it. It's not really IT, is it. No, I don't really think the IT I expected to find, a "Peace that passeth understanding" coupled with a driving force of guidance that is so overpowering the waves would part, is anything more than what I experience during a good day now.
My specific Guidance -- the only constant I can name -- has been to just focus on Honesty. Me 'n Jesus..no secrets. Just Honesty.
If I am just Quiet -- and very Honest (meaning keeping a little part of my mind free of judgement of my own or an agenda/identity that I'm trying to keep alive like those spinning plates on top of the acrobat's long sticks) -- there is an Extraordinary Ordinariness that has been revealing Itself. Sometimes when I seem to be helping another. Yet also when I seem to be plowing through the world of the ego and flattering myself about my Sherlock Holme's skills. It seems that only a part of my mind is necessary. I can still do what I do and notice.
It's all part of that Acceptance we were talking about last time. Being non-resistant to what seems to be flowing, unfolding. Just allowing it all, and then watching my own responses in any situation I am in. How hooked do I get? How "excited" by the gory details? How does it begin to trigger fear? Where do I need to be "right?"
I watch. I notice. I keep Truth at my side, and try to remember to hug It close when I have gotten too mesmerized for too long.
In fact, maybe this is the biggest lesson for me thus far -- that when the things that unfold within me do not happen to look "spiritual" then this is the very time that this Acceptance stuff is necessary. Why? Because here's the big secret I just learned --
Not this time. I have a feeling there are quite a few lifetimes in my sordid past like that. ;) And actually avoiding spiritual "behavior"/identity all together is a very hard thing not to do. So just like a pie-crust promise -- easily made, easily broken --I throw it out, but I keep the lesson, which can be summarized this way:
But anyway, back to my confessional. I've been learning something else, too. Conspiracies are all alike, a dime a dozen really. They are petty distractions meant to obfuscate the Real Conspiracy. Hey, man, make your picket signs....this is where the heart of the matter is. This is where it is all f'd up! It's the missing capstone on the pyramid, dude!
The Real Conspiracy --which is the mother of all world's conspiracies -- is that the ego is a big, freakin', gargantuan, other-worldly deal to be reckoned with. It's message is this -- "Be very, very scared."
The Real Conspiracy, which is another way to say ego, is nothing more or less than this at its core:
1) Something outside of you has power over you.
Having defined the problem, like all good puppet-masters, the ego defines the answer:
2) You need to DO something to save yourself, save your world...but it's going to be a long Lord-of-the-Rings-esq ordeal, and pain and death are almost certain, except for a chosen few.
And finally, just to make sure you stay far, far away from the heavenly Whistleblower/Holy Spirit, the ego programs you over and over (any time you'll listen, that is) that --
3) God and His Love are at worst superstitious nonsense for the weak-minded, and at best quaint ideas that are nice on Sunday but which will leave you totally S.O.L. when the S.H.T.F.
It's an ingenious plan, really. Indeed, fear within gets mirrored by the world without....which feeds the fear within, which gets mirrored without. Lather, rinse, repeat.
The situation is hopeless, but not serious. I'm not going to lie. At face value, it's a screwed up world with a lot of nasty ugliness playing out. But its our script. Here the world seems to be, and here you and I seem to be, and so let's get to work. Forgiveness/Acceptance is all about Looking. And you don't have to go out of your way to find things to forgive, either. An annoyance is the same thing as murder. (Hey, I did not write ACIM! I'm just the messenger!) It's all the same.
Here's my best non-advice advice. Just live your life and do what you do. But keep a part of your mind aware that that the only Purpose behind doing anything is Forgiveness. Be particularly vigilant when you want to change something or make something into something else.
We look without Judgement, and then we notice how we can't do that. Again. And then we just remind ourselves why: "I'm just afraid -- not of the end of the world on 12-21-2012, or the Illuminati, or the Reptilians, or my fat thighs -- but of God. I just keep reliving that same fear. So what else is new?"
There's a peace that comes when you know why you are really afraid or upset. You just experienced the Miracle. That's it.. no burning bush. Just a Sweet Calm. We reach for His Hand again. We do it over and over and over.
You do it in your way in your classroom, and I do it in mine. We go through our little fixations -- conspiracy theories, raising families, running a church. They come, then go. Along the way, the part of us that is Untouchable by the world Forgives. That's what undoes the whole darn web of nothing and restores our Real Identity to our awareness.