Showing posts from 2012

Taming the Monster vs. Letting Go of Specialness

I'm waking up to more ways my neediness shows up.  Neediness creates the attachment/irresistible draw to special relationships...whether they be people, situations, or things. Neediness says "You are not enough, oh pathetic personal self. Consume this other thing/person/substance/situation outside you -- in endless quantities -- to make up the difference.  But!  Don't forget to run like hell before they deliver the tab, 'cuz you'll never be able to afford it."

Neediness is a cruel thing to's cruel to yourself and to others.  Neediness engenders guilt and fear and pain and a sense of owing what can never be paid. These often get buried and translated into the self or someone else.

We all deal with neediness, and we shouldn't feel bad. But we should want to undo it because ultimately it hurts. Neediness, the special relationships that we cling to...this is what causes suffering.

I am seeing how in subtle ways I have still tried …

Shadow Figures Vs The Guru

Chapter 17, Forgiveness & The Holy Relationship, Section 3 Shadows of the Past -- 
"Be willing to forgive the Son of God for what he did not do. The shadow figures are the witnesses you bring with you to demonstrate he did what he did not. Because you bring them, you will hear them. And you who keep them by your own selection do not understand how they came into your mind, and what their purpose is. They represent the evil that you think was done to you. You bring them with you only that you may return evil for evil, hoping that their witness will enable you to think guiltily of another and not harm yourself. They speak so clearly for the separation that no one not obsessed with keeping separation could hear them. They offer you the "reasons" why you should enter into unholy alliances to support the ego's goals, and make your relationships the witness to its power."

One day not long ago, I was soaking my body in a hot tub and using the quiet to watch the chur…

David Hoffmeister: Facing the Self Hatred and Rage

I muse a lot about different forms of my rage and self hatred on this blog.  All the so-called problems, moods, judgments....we know they are all thinly-veiled forms of rage and hatred.

We know because we are good students. We've studied hard and well. We are not fooled like we used to be. Still, our understanding doesn't pay the mortage, so to speak.  Forgivness pays the mortage.

Forgiveness gets more necessary the more understanding we have.  Irony!  You may have noticed that I (and you) find myself facing unadulterated MURDEROUS rage....the kind that inspired the "Twinkie defense" and 9/10ths of what the world regards as "news" more often than I wish. Yes, "after all these years" on the spiritual journey, I sometimes mutter with a proverbial sigh. It seems like I'm beside myself with strong feelings of various forms of, shall we say, unpleasantness, every other day or so.

And in between these states, I experience more states of Peace.

On a…

Heaven's Peace

Heaven's Peace
by Laura S. Dudenbostel
Photo: Paul S. Olsen

Heaven's Peace
V1 You who seemed to hurt me And you I watched desert me You are my Self
And you I took as lover, And you I made my savior, You are my Self
Chorus: I roamed for eons In a house of Mirrors Looking for the exit Pointing accusing fingers
You played your part for me  -- You with your many faces Reflecting a crazy world The one I chose to see
And Now I'm ready  Oh so  ready For Heaven's Peace

V2 So tonight I finally thank You Tonight I finally Bless You You are my Self
Just like Christmas morning I found your Gifts Outside my door You are my Self
Chorus: I'm  tasting Freedom Let's all Get Drunk on It There's a Glass for all of us And They never empty
If I  sober up Will you, please, remind me Of the Quiet Answer The One that's Always Here
And I am Asking I am ready For Heaven's Peace

Dramas, anxiety, and gnat leg hairs

Oh, the little dramas that play out in my mind.  It's a constant stream of interpretation, an attempt to assign some meaning to the meaningless. Often, the little clues and signs, stories and events get strung together by my mind like beads on a necklace.  I put them together, then put them on. I wear them out and about, like a dime store wardrobe accessory that identifies me to others in that moment.

The accessory announces -- "I'm the person who knows something, has assessed a situation accurately, who has been slighted somehow or who has slighted someone else, who needs to worry about her child, worry about her future, who needs to fix a situation, heal a person, make amends for the past, etc. etc. etc."

Yes, it's all a sneaky way to make "me" -- the little 'I' -- right by making someone else wrong.   Sometimes, though, it's all about making "me" wrong, thus reinforcing the idea "I'm bad."    Either way, since &qu…

Crime and Punishment VS. Much Ado About Nothing

In my not a-typical, pendulum-swinging fashion, the days of Sweet Peace following my "no flat tires in Heaven" epiphany have  slowly tapered off.  Little niggling thoughts and feelings have wormed their ways back in to my Mind.  That is the ego's m.o., or, as I like to call it, the ol' "boil the frog" approach.  That means, the efficient frog boiler/ego does not grab its prey in a violent obvious way and hurl the little guys into a boiling vat of water which would risk the outcome via inevitable and passionately performed get-away attempts.

Quite frankly, if the ego did that, we'd be much quicker to see it for what it is and give it up.

No, instead, the crafty frog boiler/ego lures us into a vat of cool water/complacency.  What's worse, the ego whispers to us the whole while about how well we're doing (flattery) and how much we really deserve to take a mind-watching vacation. About then -- when we're feeling a "Wow, that is so true! I …

Vigilance Part 2: "There are no flat tires in Heaven"

I didn't know the last post about "stuck kitties" and vigilance was going to be a two-parter.  Actually, as I write, it occurs to me that everything else must be a sequel to Vigilance, isn't it?

I'm always Choosing what to see FIRST.  Then I look with my eyes, but I see nothing unless I chose Truth/Love.  Assuming I've Chosen the Right Teacher, then no matter where I am and what I'm looking at, all I see are Purple Unicorns and Rainbows and Utter Silliness that often results in fits of those unstoppable Truth Giggles.

So, yes, I got that one good this time.  And the kitties and I are on friendly petting terms again,  Ray isn't hiding from me (at the moment), and I'm back to my normal self.

Wait, no, I'm better than normal. Let me explain, but I have to go back a few weeks.

I've said it before that sometimes Jesus uses the strangest ways to talk to me -- I've seen his work in billboards along the freeway, movies, passages in books, tea…

"There are no stuck kitties in heaven" or "Vigilance for what again?"

One morning not long ago, I woke up to a vision of death and destruction so technicolor in its gruesomeness that I was shaken to my core.  Unable to contain the flood of emotion that arose like volcanic lava when the full gravity of the situation hit me, I burst into tears before I knew what came over me.

It seems that Claire and Francis (brother and sister, yes, but saints, no) had been very busy during the night.  As I stumbled out the bedroom door to make my way to the kitchen coffee pot, a trail of dead baby blue jays, their barely formed (but surprisingly large!) bodies splayed out before me, made a trail of tears down the hallway.  The darling "kitties" had evidently used the back door in our room -- the screen door with the hole that they had carved out for themselves so they wouldn't have to disturb us to let them in and out -- to haul in their victims/loot all night.

What was worse was that "mom" and "dad" blue jay were no strangers.  No, th…

"The Secret of Forgiveness" by Burt Harding

Here's a gift I received from the Holy Spirit today, and now it's a gift I offer to you -- My hope is that it takes these ideas that have been developing -- and that now are like a big, round basket ball balancing oh so delicately on the skirted rim in your mind -- and does a happy SLAM DUNK!

Let's join minds for a big high-five. :)

"Hopeless but not serious" or The Real Conspiracy

Let's go down a Rabbit Hole.  We'll do it together and bring the Holy Spirit with us, so we don't get too lost.  (He's even more helpful than breadcrumbs...)

Here's a confession: I'm one of "those" people...I would probably be bucketed quickly as a "conspiracy theorist" by both the folks who rely on CNN to serve them up their world view between commercials and the spiritual people people who have given up worldly news altogether.

I am not happy about this somewhat alienating state I've found myself in.  I mean, all I ever wanted to be when I grew up is a moderately successful NICE person. This conspiracy stuff does not fit in with my idea of who I ought to be in this world, but here I am.  As the joke goes, "if you want to give God a laugh, tell him your plans." Or as Byron Katie says, "when I argue with reality, I lose...but only 100% of the time."

It's been a long five years of allowing my feeling of "som…