Looking for meaning in all the wrong places
But I did feel my way into a startlingly deeper understanding about one thing -- my lack of Peace is directly related to my actively resisting it. Pushing it away, even. In the frantic mind I seem to possess lately, I have had many "good reasons" floating around as justification for my state of dis-ease. When tolerance for the pain is low, I call out for that lifeline. "Holy Spirit, HELP!" But He just keeps showing me, I have given all the meaning that the situation(s) have. I'm choosing to believe my perceptions and my feelings -- that they are true and justified -- more than I believe God's Truth.
Okay, so we got that settled. Again.
It might seem easy to "let go and let God" once we see the choice so clearly. And sometimes it is for me. But there are deep-seated unconscious beliefs -- the kind that Hell is made from -- that can be like a minefield you have to walk through in order to let go sometimes. It can be incredibly hard. Dark feelings of unworthiness, fear of being alienated/alone, shame for inherent badness, etc. The reflections everywhere have been showing me my thoughts. Much as I'd love to blame the world (and have at times), I know if I am honest that there isn't anything but me here. I have to look within.
The only way out of the crazy mirrors is admitting that the images they show me are coming from me, not at me. I've tried all the other ways of getting around this particular point and cleaning up the mess some other way, and they don't work. Not permanently. And so I have empirical data on this issue, and much as I would like to "cook the books" and make the results come out differently (so I can be a victim of the world I see), I know it's no use. That old story/approach is not even satisfying to try anymore.
So I've been facing the hate/fear directly...as in:
Me: "Okay, fear/hate. I see I'm choosing you. I'm not consciously happy that I'm choosing you, but I can see that I want to choose you deep down. I want to choose you, because the Peace that stands as the alternative to you scares the hell out of me. I know that this is the fact because it's the only thing that explains why I AM choosing you. So at least there's no more big mystery about why I'm not in Peace. I'm afraid of the Light. And I would rather be right about the meaning I think I see. I would rather be right about why I feel the way I do. I would rather be me."
Holy Spirit: "Acknowledging your problem is the first step."
Me: "Great." (I'm feeling weary and sarcastic at this point) "Then there's only 11 more, right?"
H.S. "Heh, it depends. If you are ready, you can Choose Again and be in Peace learning my lessons. If you are not ready, we can take this more slowly."
All I want to do right now is feel better -- I want my little corner of the 3D world (as Carrie Triffet puts it) to be ok. I want my life to reflect nice things, show me I'm a good person, unfold into a Happy Dream, yadda yadda yadda.
But that's more of a compromise approach to this whole Forgiveness thing. I want to do my part in exchange for some goodies. I do not really trust the Holy Spirit's perceptions more than I trust my own right now. I sorta/kinda want to trust on a conscious level -- I do know that Trust in the Truth would be a great idea for all kinds of good reasons -- but I don't do it. I'm afraid to give up my interpretations.
I am afraid that without my own ordering of my reality, my judging and my making decisions and taking actions, I will be left completely and utterly vulnerable. I'll be reduced to a spineless slug melting into slime on top of a pile of salt.
H.S.: "So what's wrong with that? Actually, 'melting' into Light would be more accurate. And less disgusting of an image. You could try it out?"
So I'm not totally ready. It's the circle of fear that ACIM talks about. I feel it as a clenched stomach and crazy thoughts/movies rushing through my head. I'm still undoing big fat lies about Who I Am and Who My Brothers Are. These lies/false beliefs are what make up the walls that we hide behind, deep down. We forget this, so we think we're actually being influenced by the world, but it's not true. We're the ones making the world up... all the time. We're making it up as a defense against the Truth.
Just sitting with the deep knowing that I'm so gosh-darned powerful as a Son of God that I am creating a crazy world with my crazy thoughts feels calming. And what's more, I'm not ready to stop in this moment! Just knowing this -- putting the Mind in touch with the real situation of it all -- is a big relief in a strange way.
I actually was able to imagine the opposite last night -- if I'm so powerful as an ego that I can make hell, then I must be so powerful that I can make Miracles. Heaven.
So let's just sit with that, why don't we?