As we've agreed before, the undoing process is not for sissies. It requires that we question every value that we hold. It requires that we let the Holy Spirit interpret everything for us. It requires great Trust.
When we start, however, these requirements seem like the equivalent of sprouting wings on demand and flying to the moon. We have all kinds of limitations, and, worse, when our awareness begins to shift, we begin to notice a lot more than we ever knew we had.
We have thoughts like, "DAMN! Before I started trying to get spiritual, I thought I was basically a happy person. Now I see how insecure and hateful I am. This can not be good. Maybe I should go back to practicing Reiki.... Ommm......."
But we tried all the other ways, and here we are again. It's understandable why we react like we do. We are just a touch (like a ton-of-bricks "touch") horrified when we get glimpses of how our lives, thus far, have been totally driven by gross errors of thought that reinforce a guilty past in ourselves and others, by fear-based values and "hive" mind conditioning, and by upside down (and downright insane) "rules of the world."
Not only that, while we are neck deep in limitations, we generally have a pathetic pittance to draw from in our Trust account. As we look around and survey the toxic waste, we realize we have a major Reclamation Project to undertake here. How the hell can we afford to clean all this up??
Ah, but that's the Interesting thing. Unlike in the world, we don't need a loan to get our Project of the ground. We can use our two cents of Trust and watch it multiply like the fishes and the loaves.
No, All is not without hope. All is just Perfect, in fact. When we finally get how f***ed we are, that's when Hope arrives, ironically. Hope/Jesus welcomes us warmly in the cesspool prison of our own mind, and then He tells us how eager He is to give us the keys to free ourselves.
In fact, He's been a voyeur the whole time...peeking through the bars...trying to throw regular Smiles our direction that we will notice...waiting patiently for us to tire of the self-floggings that we put ourselves through and the bowl of thin gruel that we settle for. He promises it will be fun even, and that one day soon we'll be Happy Learners.
Right about then, we are pretty sure he's stoned.
When we politely (or furiously) protest that we are not worthy and can't possibly live up to His lofty aspirations for us, He gets overcome by that annoying chuckle. We think that's a terribly inappropriate response to our serious attempts to share the "truth" about ourselves with him. Yet I'll be damned if He doesn't tell us very clearly that he couldn't be more delighted in the fact we've finally noticed that something is terribly wrong in Denmark! He thinks it's great that we're exhausted from trying to roll giant boulders up hill, while we simultaneously build and rebuild houses of cards that keep collapsing. He suggests that if we want Health, we might want to stop trying to make a "life" in toxic waste.
Then maybe He casts a glance over at A Course in Miracles (or some other helpful practice) and reminds us of what, He assures us, will later seem obvious to us when we get the hang of things: We are not here to be without limitations....we are here to let them be undone in us. And isn't it WONDERFUL, He adds, that we've finally noticed "life" sucks? He says that noticing we're miserable (and taking responsibility for it...He sorta adds that under his breath at first) is the very first step on the Path.
(***This feels like a good time to interrupt this post to for a Coaching session: If you ever beat yourself up for making mistakes (thinking murderous thoughts, falling into the temptations of fear that the "world" seems to continually throw at you, etc), well, stop it.
Think with me a moment: Why the heck would we even need ACIM or any other spiritual path if we didn't make mistakes? Of course, we make mistakes!!
Let's make a vow together right now:
You, who are used to being an over-achiever driven by a fear of being unworthy, get to be Teacher's Pet no matter what. Even if you don't show up for class, you get caught smoking in the bathroom, and you resist doing your Homework. As soon as you sit back down in your seat, Teacher always gives you an A+. Just for showing up! That's all that's expected of you, k? Glad we got that straight. Not that I have ever beat myself up...I just read about it once. (ha.)****)
So we start. We take little tiny baby steps. We try to read ACIM, but we find we can't focus longer than 5 minutes before we get so sleepy we can't hold our eyes open, or we have an uncontrollable urge to clean our sock drawer. We try to do the daily workbook lessons, but we forget them 2 seconds after we close the book...we skip days and it takes two decades to finish 365 lessons (okay, that might have just been me). We try to forgive, but it feels really wrong and it's not at all fun. We pull ourselves up on our shaky little legs, and take a step, and then we fall. We do it again....and again....and again......
Weeks, months or years have seemingly slipped by. Decades even. Inch by inch, we make our way. We do learn, because that is our intention. We don't know much yet (although we often secretly think we do), but we know we'd like to stop suffering, and that's enough. Thus far, we've lived our "normal" lives..er...normally. Things don't seem to be too different, except we have a bit more Peace than before. We have settled into student-hood. We practice, practice, practice. We think we've really got the hang of things and we're beginning to really Trust our Friend. We find ourselves thinking and really meaning unbelievable things like "I Trust You to know my best interests and to Lead Me to where you want me to be for my Own Highest Good, which I know is for Everyone."
Then just about when we're pretty sure how this Awakening process is going to work -- and we project ourselves into the future as little old gray haired women/men speaking at a podium in front of junior "selves" who come to hear us pontificate about all the Truth we've learned -- Jesus gives us the Lesson about Broken Windows....holy shit.
(Stay tuned for Broken Windows - Part 2)