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Sunday, November 20, 2011

Broken windows -- Part 1

Let's get heavy here, shall we?

As we've agreed before, the undoing process is not for sissies.  It requires that we question every value that we hold.  It requires that we let the Holy Spirit interpret everything for us.  It requires great Trust.

When we start, however, these  requirements seem like the equivalent of sprouting wings on demand and flying to the moon.  We have all kinds of limitations, and, worse, when our awareness begins to shift, we begin to notice a lot more than we ever knew we had.

 We have thoughts like, "DAMN!  Before I started trying to get spiritual, I thought I was basically a happy person. Now I see how insecure and hateful I am.  This can not be good.  Maybe I should go back to practicing Reiki.... Ommm......."

But we tried all the other ways, and here we are again. It's understandable why we react like we do. We are just a touch (like a ton-of-bricks "touch") horrified when we get glimpses of how our lives, thus far, have been totally driven by gross errors of thought that reinforce a guilty past in ourselves and others, by fear-based values and "hive" mind conditioning, and by upside down (and downright insane) "rules of the world."

Not only that, while we are neck deep in limitations, we generally have a pathetic pittance to draw from in our Trust account.  As we look around and survey the toxic waste, we realize we have a major Reclamation Project to undertake here.  How the hell can we afford to clean all this up??

Ah, but that's the Interesting thing.  Unlike in the world, we don't need a loan to get our Project of the ground.  We can use our two cents of Trust and watch it multiply like the fishes and the loaves.

No, All is not without hope.  All is just Perfect, in fact.  When we finally get how f***ed we are, that's when Hope arrives, ironically.  Hope/Jesus welcomes us warmly in the cesspool prison of our own mind, and then He tells us how eager He is to give us the keys to free ourselves.

In fact, He's been a voyeur the whole time...peeking through the bars...trying to throw regular Smiles our direction that we will notice...waiting patiently for us to tire of the self-floggings that we put ourselves through and the bowl of thin gruel that we settle for.  He promises it will be fun even, and that one day soon we'll be Happy Learners.

Right about then, we are pretty sure he's stoned.

When we politely (or furiously) protest that we are not worthy and can't possibly live up to His lofty aspirations for us, He gets overcome by that annoying chuckle.  We think that's a terribly inappropriate response to our serious attempts to share the "truth" about ourselves with him.  Yet I'll be damned if He doesn't tell us very clearly that he couldn't be more delighted in the fact we've finally noticed that something is terribly wrong in Denmark! He thinks it's great that we're exhausted from trying to roll giant boulders up hill, while we simultaneously build and rebuild houses of cards that keep collapsing.  He suggests that if we want Health, we might want to stop trying to make a "life" in toxic waste.

Then maybe He casts a glance over at A Course in Miracles (or some other helpful practice) and reminds us of what, He assures us, will later seem obvious to us when we get the hang of things:  We are not here to be without limitations....we are here to let them be undone in us.   And isn't it WONDERFUL, He adds, that we've finally noticed "life" sucks?  He says that noticing we're miserable (and taking responsibility for it...He sorta adds that under his breath at first) is the very first step on the Path.

(***This feels like a good time to interrupt this post to for a Coaching session:  If you ever beat yourself up for making mistakes (thinking murderous thoughts, falling into the temptations of fear that the "world" seems to continually throw at you, etc), well, stop it. 
Think with me a moment:  Why the heck would we even need ACIM or any other spiritual path if we didn't make mistakes? Of course, we make mistakes!!  

Let's make a vow together right now:  

"I hereby give myself permission to make mistakes -- oodles of them every seeming day! -- and to live boldly in pursuit of my Awakening.  I know it's only by allowing myself unconditional space to unfold -- in all my True Glory and temporary 'in-gloriousness' that I can do this.  I refuse to judge myself, so that I can open NOW to the Correction process of the Miracle.  I let my Teacher Judge me for me.  I let Him look with me on all that I mistakenly do, think, believe, value, trust, hate, love, and/or fear, which is the only thing I really ever need to do.  Amen/Over and out."

You, who are used to being an over-achiever driven by a fear of being unworthy, get to be Teacher's Pet no matter what.  Even if you don't show up for class, you get caught smoking in the bathroom, and you resist doing your Homework.  As soon as you sit back down in your seat, Teacher always gives you an A+.  Just for showing up!  That's all that's expected of you, k?  Glad we got that straight. Not that I have ever beat myself up...I just read about it once.  (ha.)****)

So we start.  We take little tiny baby steps.  We try to read ACIM, but we find we can't focus longer than 5 minutes before we get so sleepy we can't hold our eyes open, or we have an uncontrollable urge to clean our sock drawer.  We try to do the daily workbook lessons, but we forget them 2 seconds after we close the book...we skip days and it takes two decades to finish 365 lessons (okay, that might have just been me).  We try to forgive, but it feels really wrong and it's not at all fun.  We pull ourselves up on our shaky little legs, and take a step, and then we fall.  We do it again....and again....and again......

Weeks, months or years have seemingly slipped by. Decades even. Inch by inch, we make our way. We do learn, because that is our intention. We don't know much yet (although we often secretly think we do), but we know we'd like to stop suffering, and that's enough.  Thus far, we've lived our "normal" lives..er...normally.  Things don't seem to be too different, except we have a bit more Peace than before.  We have settled into student-hood.  We practice, practice, practice.  We think we've really got the hang of things and we're beginning to really Trust our Friend.  We find ourselves thinking and really meaning unbelievable things like "I Trust You to know my best interests and to Lead Me to where you want me to be for my Own Highest Good, which I know is for Everyone."

Then just about when we're pretty sure how this Awakening process is going to work -- and we project ourselves into the future as little old gray haired women/men speaking at a podium in front of junior "selves" who come to hear us pontificate about all the Truth we've learned -- Jesus gives us the Lesson about Broken Windows....holy shit.

(Stay tuned for Broken Windows - Part 2)

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Cherry On Top

A Course In Miracles teaches us not to try to change the world, but to change our mind about the world.  So Occupy Wall Street becomes Occupy The Right Mind.  Once you are in your Right Mind (the part that the Holy Spirit occupies) then whatever you do, including the act of doing nothing, will be the most loving thing for all involved.

What's more, you'll be the Teacher you always wanted to be of the learning that you always wanted to learn: True Peace.

Since the cause of the world is in our mind (the world being just "a projection of an inward condition"), when we change the cause (i.e. when we allow ourselves to step into our Right Mind and grab Jesus's hand...and just look at our experience and the images of people, situations, and things that we have been interpreting through the ego), we heal our mind.  That means the effects (i.e. how we feel in the moment about the situation and all the images we have forgiven) change, too. 

What it doesn't mean, however, is that the effects change according to our script and our timeline.

In other words, we forgive the jerk on the freeway -- truly forgive him, and our self, for the judgment we put on him.  We "get" that he is showing us a denied aspect of the ego -- that he didn't cause our upset, that he just triggered a memory of something already in us.  We do it perfectly...we even thank him!  But maybe he keeps holding his middle finger out at us.

Wait, isn't the effect supposed to change?  Shouldn't he be flashing me a Peace sign now instead of the not-very-nice bird?  Dammit!  Heal, won't you?! 

Me:  Jesus, wth?

Jesus:  You rang, my lovely?

Me:  What's up with me feeling totally connected to you - loving my brother on the freeway (who is driving recklessly in a very attacking way, btw) -- and realizing it's all a dream and I made it all up, and loving him tremendously for showing me what I need to see so I can let it go...and knowing this guy is my Savior (ironically) and getting how much I really love him for that...........and then he keeps being a jerk!!


Jesus: Right.  Totally forgave, him, huh?

Me:  Well, er...I did...I think so. Yes!

::pause::






Me: No.

Jesus:  Right.  This trips everyone up now and again.  It's the  whole time-and-free-will thing.  You know how I wait around, very patiently -- sometimes for days, weeks, months (and years, let's be honest) -- before you decide to join with me and get my 2 cents, so you can free your mind and be in everlasting peace?

Me: Well, yeah, that sounds familiar...

Jesus:  Well, that ability to decide when you are going to accept The Lesson of Forgiveness and free yourself is the same one everyone has.  There's really no other "free" will.  So that jerk gets to decide to come around to the gift you offered when he's damn well ready.  Maybe tomorrow...maybe next lifetime.  I will be waiting for him with your Gift in hand as soon as he gives the word!

Me: But doesn't that sorta take the steam out of the "miracles" part of A Course in Miracles?  I mean, doesn't it seem like false advertising just a tad?  Who the heck reads this damn blue book and tries to understand it for 20 years just so that all the effort they put into Forgiving will be rewarded next lifetime?!

Jesus:  Ah, but you see...you are stuck in the world of duality.  Remember, there's only One here.  You extend that Love to the jerk in the mirror, so you can receive it for yourself right now, pronto, no delay!!  

Me: But the finger!!  I want the finger to go away! 

Jesus:  What's up with a finger?  Only the meaning you give it.

Me: Oh.

Jesus and I have had many conversations like this.  He's quick to remind me that there is no attack unless I decide so.  If I decide so, then it would be a great thing to quickly remember that I am the only one who can attack myself, and then to quietly Choose Again.  That just means, I get that there is another way to look....I can see his finger as a call for love.  A fearful call for love that is terribly afraid that it won't be answered, or that if it does get answered, it will come with a heavy handed punishment. 

It's my own call.  I need to remember again to Choose Again to receive the Love that I want so that I can truly see through the dream.

What is beautiful though -- a bit of mind-blowing Grace on wheels -- is when the finger changes into the Peace sign.  Not because you "willed" it into being with your magical Forgiveness abilities.  But because cause and effect matched up in your experience. 

This is what I call "The cherry on top."  It's humbling.  It's awesome.  It's not something you did that you get to feel proud of.  But it is something you opened to.  Your letting go of your needing to be right or victimized or attacked in some way was the act that allowed the Holy Spirit to enter your relationship (yes, you and the crazy driver have a special relationship) and make it holy.  You accepted that, you felt Peace, your brother received the gift, too, and in this case, the effects on the movie dream screen changed. 

It tastes so good.  It's the deliciousness that inspired the song, Amazing Grace. You were lost and now you are found.

But you don't always get to see with your body's eyes some effect.  So don't count on your body's eyes! Over and over, we're told that our body can't see anyway.  Use your Right Mind to tell you what's going on Truly.  Use your feeling of Peace.  Use your knowing that "all is well" and that there can't possibly be anything that Trust won't solve.

Trust your brother to turn his finger into a bear hug...he must at some point, you know?  In time.  And then trust that there is no Time...not really....and experience that hug right Now.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Lucid Dreamers Know "I Am That"

It's been a seeming few weeks in time since I felt inspired to share here. I don't know how it's been for you the last couple months, but I've been on a whirlwind mind trip.  It's taken me 5,000 miles across country, 40 years back in time, and at least 500,000 miles across the landscape of my so-called mind.

To describe:  It's like the familiar orbit I have called "normal" that my mind naturally takes -- the circular movement of my thought as it spirals up towards truth (and sometimes down out of fear) -- has sped up.

This is the motion that is meant when I talk about those switchbacks up the mountain, where I learn and relearn (and re-relearn) old lessons.  It's the same movement that leads me to occasional breakdowns and breakthroughs.  This movement which has been gently rolling along since I have had the awareness to notice has been put on "spin cycle."

I did not get the memo this was going to happen, but I suppose there is no way to prepare -- or better, if I'm here, then I'm safe in assuming everything leading to "here" has been preparation. It's like an ingenius cosmic cleanse!  The centrifugal force caused by the speedup has required that I either a) get a lobotomy so I can forget everything and hopefully stop the incessant spinning, b) do drugs so I can forget everything and hopefully stop the incessant spinning, or c) Let Go....and fly.

I have (mostly) opted for c, although there have been occasional glasses of alcohol involved!  Let's just say, I am deeply in the "Let Go" process.  That process also goes hand-in-hand by necessity with the verb form of "Trust."  They are inextricably linked.  A perfect pairing like fine wine and the right cheese.  You can't practice one without practicing the other. Not really.  You can maybe fake "Letting go" without "Trusting" or "Trusting" without "Letting go" to yourself and others....for awhile.  Ultimately, your shaking knees give you away. They are the tell-tale signs that you are either hiding horrific fear of the unknown, or the strain of trying to hold a house of cards together while you simultaneously try to run the world for God (who you secretly believe is a major slacker).

Either way, you fall down.

Ok, so Trust and Letting Go are old themes, so what's the big deal?

I'm a bit melodramatic, as you must know by now. But really, I don't mean that this has been a bad time.  This has been a rich time.  And a gentle time really, even in its intense moments.  I've watched myself become a "monster" (by my own estimation), biting on the fear bait that the ego casts in some situation, and speaking or acting or thinking in ways that are downright murderous at their core. And I've watched myself float effortlessly through a tense situation, not taking the ego fear/hatred bait, but instead feeling a blissful sense of Peace, all the while knowing that "all is well" despite appearances and that there could not possibly be a True Problem.  I have watched Peace unfold around and through me...the Living Miracle. Sometimes I have watched both "me's" take turns running the show at the same dinner table!

Both "me's" have stunned the Observer Me, the one witnessing.

I have noticed that identifying as Christ  -- the idea that so many of the later ACIM lessons is dedicated to -- is slowly happening. As I dedicate more of my time to forgiveness (and I seem to have a lot of time to dedicate these days, thankfully) I get glimmers of my True Self.  It's like a war that I have waged against myself for eons is fading, dropping away.  It can't remain in the light of radical, quantum forgiveness that realizes nothing real, nothing with any meaning worth keeping, has happened. Only Truth is True.  Only Innocence is Real.


The Christ identity we all share is being blocked from our awareness by our guilt about the little puppet lives -- our own and others -- that have no true reality.  The sleeping Christ is waking, though.  Laura and her "life" seem more like a dream....and the One that is Teacher is Helping her watch through new eyes that can begin to see. She sees the dragons and the fairies and they are less deceptive somehow.  Instead of fearing or hating them, she feels she really wants to Know them, because they are a part of Her whom she Loves and wants to Join with again.  She releases them from the binding veils that have disguised them from her, knowing this releases her Self.

The whole life of Laura, past, present, and future? Forgiven. The monster in front of me? Forgiven, totally innocent, and just a loving Me with a veil I put on "him".  The monster within me? Forgiven, totally innocent, and accepted as a loving Me with a veil I put on "her."

More and more, I am feeling like a Lucid Dreamer, knowing simply and without fanfare or exception "I am that" and not being so deceived by the disguise. More and more, I feel Teachers are with me everywhere, all the time at my service, waiting to love me and help me and guide me. More and more, I feel Trust in Their Words and the Love that they are here to Extend, so that I may come to Extend only what I Am.

It's like a great Play is coming to an end.  The masks are coming off and our True Beauty and Oneness are being revealed.  Now is the time to celebrate!


It may sound corny, new age-y, and trite.  I can't help it. One is watching this happen now...and Choosing what It wants to learn. Soon Laura will cease to be of any great concern as One loves her drives, compulsions, and other defenses into submission.  Lovingly.  Gently.

On Waking Up is back: A New Beginning

I started sharing ideas at On Waking Up in 2010, almost 7 years ago now. Prior to that I'd studied A Course in Miracles for many years...