Struggle...the ego's favorite game
My experience is that as I move into this space, the things that seem to tempt me into fear get more abstract. Like I can't quite put my finger on them, because my outward dream life seems to contain all I need. Yet that uneasy feeling won't go away. So what is that?
That "uneasy feeling" is more thought. But I've noticed I have tended to slip into identification with it -- meaning out of noticing that I can notice it -- because it doesn't have any specificity I can describe. I seem to be more experienced now in detaching from the forms that I can give labels -- this problem with a kid, that issue at work, the future situation with the whatever. But I still get seduced by the abstract angst. Yet it's all the same too. I'm just going down into the basement, so to speak, where the shapes and colors are gone and all that's left is the energy of fear.
Struggling to understand the fear is just another trap -- like the Chinese Finger trap. The more we pull on it -- with our attentions that try to unravel the "mystery" and get to the bottom of it so we can "fix" it -- the more we are stuck.
Struggling to understand the fear is also like trying to become enlightened. The ego loves to send us off on these pursuits...they can each take life-times worth of time to figure out. The figuring out happens, ironically, when we realize there's nothing to figure out.
Lately, I have noticed I am beginning to enjoy just accepting whatever "state" I happen to be in. If it's less than pleasant -- annoyance, judgment, fear, anxiety, anger -- I just let myself enjoy it. In my enjoyment of it, it seems to disappear so quickly. Things come up, then they dissipate. I am riding waves of something and just enjoying the motion. And then if I get the "stuck" sensation, I just notice that and Let Go. "Stuckness" has come to tell me I am resisting Not Knowing. I'm learning to Not Know in every day without needing a sudden crisis, like I did for so long, to liberate me from my conditioned mind.
And everything I once considered special and extraordinary seems more ordinary. Flashes of Oneness...feeling the flow....noticing effects that turn up to mirror the cause of Mind....it's all so intimately joined with me, there's no distinction like there was between me and my experience. "We" are One.
And I'm noticing when I'm not "flowing" again, I have grabbed hold of something. It's like Spirit is a river and I've hopped out of it and onto the bank out of fear. Fear in a made-up "reality" has been talking, and I have been listening. But once I figure out where I am, I can slip into the Water, open my hands, and let go of all that I was clinging to...and just Float again.
There's no drama...no special words to say or not say...no special things to do or not do...things just happen or they don't. They are all part of the One Flow, too, so where's the problem?