Dropping the pointers in exchange for what is Being Pointed To
For a long time, the new thoughts we learn in our discipline become the useful scaffolding from which we can tear down/undo the old thoughts. A Course In Miracles, for example, tells us a happy fairy tale about Jesus and the resurrection and God the Father and His Holy Son....all as a way to take us back into Mind where we can undo the scary fairy tale that was told, and believed, by what ACIM refers to as ego.
But it's all still a fairy tale. Still words, concepts, pointers. Still separate from the thing being pointed to.
And it feels as though there is something inviting me to let go of even the terms and constructs that have been so helpful for so long. It's like they are the techniques that keep a painter from becoming an master artist, the notes on the page that tie the musician to the form instead of liberating him into the song within is heart. They are the tools of the doctor that prevent him from being the healer...or the heal-ee. Or the Self that experiences both and sees right through to the timeless/changeless.
Today I have felt quiet. I have been listening to friends who I do not know speak my heart through my computer. They use different words than the ones that I am most familiar with, yet they are pointing to something I am longing for. I am hearing or experiencing their words -- which are still just pointers, or symbols that ask us to turn our focus a certain direction -- more deeply today somehow. Perhaps it is that I have less memory, less past to interfere and cause distortion between my awareness and what is being pointed to. Perhaps that is the gift of practice for these years.
What is it exactly that is being pointed to? That's what we've been walking gingerly around. We give it lofty words, yet It is only the Self.
And today I am feeling that the Self -- which has seemed so elusive -- has been Calling me unto Itself. I have looked for so long, and what I was searching for, was right here waiting for me to embrace It. I have seen It in glimpses, and then I have gone back to "working" to become some state that could know it. Along the way, I have also played many scenes of death in a mistaken attempt to re-enact a seeming separation from my Self, which did not matter except to the degree that I believed in them. Yet no matter what gory special effects were experienced or how deeply I identified myself with them, my dreams never changed the Truth.
Love has been Seeking Me...ready to enfold me into and as Itself. It is the only thing that has been Constant. Love waits with Open Arms. Love Calls Me to Itself with intensity and devotion.
And here I have sobbed and searched with eyes closed, believing I'd been forgotten.