The Bridge to Oneness....Trust
The good news? Instead of leaping off the bridge in a mistaken attempt at escape (at which point, experience has taught me that I will most likely drown for a while in my sordid illusion until I exhaust myself), I walked across it.
In Trust I inched my way through the fog of guilty thought that had created the seeming mess. I had to stay in Not Knowing, because I couldn't see from one side of the bridge to the other. I could have no expectations about what I might be heading into. I didn't know where it was taking me or if it would be a Happy Place -- or some kind of new hell -- on the other side. But I stayed the course anyway. I ignored the "911" calls and the various threats, pleas, and solutions that my ego (and seemingly his) continued to cast out in an attempt to reel us in like the catch of the day.
And guess what. I / we got to the Other Side. What we found there is One-derful. Namely, we found there is less I / him/her over here. Something has shifted. We are not the same. A chunk of separation sloughed away like dead skin. I look at him and I see/feel more "I" than before. And Gentleness.
And that reminds me of an image my Dear Friend shared recently. Her friend had been hiking in New Mexico, and on the path in front of her, she saw two snakes intertwined, all twisted up together. She told my Friend that snakes do that to help each other remove their skins. That dead stuff needs to come off, and the friction they create together, helps it do so.
That's how relationships are when used by the Holy Spirit. Everything in our minds says the friction is to be avoided. But the Holy Spirit says, "Let it come...everything can be used. The friction is the undoing while Trust is still not fully baked. It's normal and no big deal."
So I/we did. We frictioned a lot, and passed across the bridge. The change was Purpose. The change was Not Knowing. The change was Not Judging the friction or the friction-ers.
Backing up a bit, the ego uses "special love/special hate" relationships in this amazingly insane plan. The premise is that we get to keep our belief in separation (i.e. the ego stays "alive" ), but give away the terrorizing fear and guilt that the impossibility of "separation from God/Everything" also must mean. Of course, the only way this impossibility can seem to happen is nothing but smoke-and-mirrors, yet we want our separation so much, we bury what we know, and allow ourselves to think it sorta/kinda works.
In special love/special hate relationships, we seem to get enough carrots to keep us hooked on them. We seem to get our separate body's needs met through other separate body's. And we dream that this feels good. We also dream it feels crappy when our "needs" are not met...and the crappiness, itself, validates our separateness. All kinds of stage plays validate us as individuals, actually. We seem to have financial needs that other bodies help us meet. We dream we have physical desires and dependencies. We dream we have emotional needs. We dream about all kinds of physical goals -- like fantasies (some seemingly good and some seemingly horrific) where other people play their roles to ascertain our separate state stays validated, in tact. We dream about guilty pasts that we can never repent for and we dream about fearful futures that we try to avoid.
In short, being "separated" is, by definition, needy. And being a "Son of God" is, by definition, being Everything. Obviously, there is some seeming distance between these two states of awareness.
And that's where the Holy Spirit comes in...the Teacher that helps us bridge the gap. The Teacher that reinterprets everything we think we see, every goal we think we have, every relationship we think we're in. All our belief in separateness is gently undone, but only when we are willing to face the unconscious fear... and let it be dissipated. That's why Trust is needed. And why we get baby steps that teach us how to walk... before we run...before we fly.
Back to our weekend, my husband and I planned to drive several hours to stay three days and two nights in a bed-and-breakfast tucked away in a forested part of the Washington peninsula. We would hike, we would wine and dine ourselves, we would explore a magical place called Lake Crescent. We had a reservation to stay in -- get this -- the Sweet Heart Cottage. It was a fairy-tale of a place abundant in silk flowers and ruffles and even a heart-shaped jacuzzi tub. I kid you not.
It was a set up, as I said. Even the fake flowers seem to whisper to us about the true nature of specialness and the real purpose of the weekend as we got there. Special relationships, happy as they can sometimes seem, are tools of the ego. They always fail us, and they are never Love. In the Right Hands, however, they can be powerful, Helpful tools in our undoing, but it's going to feel weird/scary to stay in them after we first Let Go. It's going to seem wrong, messed up, broken even. It's only natural, because the ego is the one we're used to listening to, and yes, trusting. We trust our ego's judgments, assessments, plans, and solutions. We trust in our ego's "psychic" knowledge of the other's motivations, lessons to be learned, highest good, and secret intentions.
Yet our trust in the ego's lies is how we got here to begin with.
So it's a matter of going from trust to Trust. As is this whole journey.
I won't bore you with the details of our angry discussions (rantings), because I'm sure you've had your share of them, since we are of the same split mind. But from my perspective, the intensity of the fury and hatred that came out of me was almost as much of a surprise as the speed through which it all passed. And when it passed it was truly gone. I was no longer confused about the source of my pain or the source of my experience of attack. Oddly, there were a couple different waves that we surfed....and in between we rested and enjoyed. My own surfing ended -- after a frantic, frothing struggle -- in a pool of bliss. I slid into it right about the time we rolled into town. We were Home.
What has changed forever is the deep knowing that my husband is everyone I've known and the seeming messages that I hear from him are part of the horror and seduction of my own ego, lying to me about what and who I am. This relationship is the Holy Spirit's latest pass at giving me the chance to let it go. Step into Truth. Leave the lies to gently fade away.
What has also developed is more trust in letting the hate and fear surface. It must surface. It must be exposed to be released. Keeping it sublimated -- by projecting into sickness, poverty, constant 'problems' etc -- is keeping it.
The ego says, "You are bad. You are unworthy. You are, in all ways, not enough, and will be harshly punished for this....and let me back my assessments up with this mountain of data about you and your life that I have carefully cataloged in this epic-long spreadsheet!"
The Holy Spirit says Quietly when I remember to Listen, "Really, Master...is that True?"
I laughed to Hear Him so clearly this weekend. And then He asked yet another question...."do you think you can afford this lie anymore?"
And then He asked one more. "Can you be grateful to your Savior right in front of you now? My Dear Son...My Self?"
And so I looked at my Dear Husband and saw for the first time. He can only be my perfect mirror. He must be. While I cherish guilt and self-doubt, he cannot compromise in his perfect reflection of my beliefs. He is my snake, helping me to drop that which is not Living. And He is in Everyone I encounter. There is no end to the blessings that the Holy Spirit shares with us.....all is Perfect.