The Other F-Word...Freedom
It's the shape of an Open Door. Behind the Door is a huge Light streaming in. I know that if I go through this Door I will never be the same.
This is the door my life has been leading me towards. While your path may have the dots in different places, if you get high enough "above the battlefield", you'll see it's the same door waiting for you, too. If you Choose Peace.
Like Hansel and Gretel dropped crumbs to keep themselves from losing their ways through the forest, the Holy Spirit has been leaving me Crumbs...the dots that are now being connected...these stories that are coming alive with all new Meaning. He has been using the plot of my so-called "life" to create stepping stones leading me back the way I came, should I choose to take them. The are leading me Home to my Real Life.
You are there, too. No One of us is missing.
What does it cost to go through that Door? That is what I'm looking at now. I'm digging through all my pockets and pulling out the lint and small change that I worked so hard to accumulate and keep. I'm spreading it on the table -- like those puzzle pieces -- and noticing I'm still attracted to some of it.
It seems to cost all my investment in the world's rules. It costs all my stories, present, past, and future. It costs my "face" to people. It costs my allegiance to forms. It costs my barriers/boundaries/boxes/prisons. It costs my plans, my goals, my values, my interpretations, my control.
If this is rubbing you the wrong way, just remember, I said "my." That's always you-know-who. (shh..ego.)
I told my New Dear Friend the other day that I was pretty sure Jesus wasn't leading me/us up the mountain just to throw us off a cliff. I was laughing...and watching my mind as I laughed. I could see that Trusting Laura thought it was very funny...and Fearful Laura kinda also thought it wasn't at all funny!
"Pretty sure" almost sounds like "a little bit pregnant." It's not really Certainty yet, is it.
I'm going for best-as-I-can-muster honesty here, as I promised you. (On a totally different subject, I've even been walking around with no makeup, letting people come see the house a mess, leaving the same old sweatshirt on for days because it feels right...heck, who did I think I came here to impress? Just those darn images I have made.)
I know my ego has a really big "but" still.
Me: "Holy Spirit, what's the deal with that Door right there. **tossing a glance to the door in my mind** The one that I'm nose to nose with. The one that, when I think of going through it, makes me want to go sort my socks again."
Holy Spirit: "That's Heaven through there."
Me: "Why does it scare the hell out of me?"
H.S.: "Because you aren't ready to go through it."
Me: "Why not?"
H.S: "Because you don't Trust Me enough."
Me: "Okay. Fair enough. Do you have any suggestions for accelerating my readiness/trust?"
H.S. "Bring everyone with you."
Me: "What? Explain."
H.S.: "You are afraid that Heaven will cost you your life. It will cost you the shabby little separated excuse of a life you think you have, yes. But it won't cost you anything else. In fact, it's going to deliver everything to you. For the next few weeks, see everyone you've ever known in everyone you meet. Imagine all their faces over the face that seems to be in front of you. Imagine all their words and how they were/are your own. Imagine when you hold their hand, you are holding all the other hands on this planet...the ones you've been close to in the past, the future ones, and the ones you'll never touch in body."
I'm getting pretty quiet now....
H.S. "The ego tells you that Heaven is a lonely place where you will be 'annihilated' by the "love" of God. The ego lies. When you walk through that Door, everyone goes with you. You can't go Alone. That's how you Save the World. .....
Me: "That sounds right. But there's something else bugging me."
H.S.: "Freedom. You think "freedom" is another word for 'free-fall'. It's not. Freedom is another word for Acceptance. For Peace. For Certainty. For Love."
Me: "I've been noticing that I'm really resisting doing little things (like vacuuming, hence the messy house). I know there must be some meaning in here."
H.S: "It's a form of vengeance against yourself. A way that your self-hatred is showing up. Let me help you Forgive yourself for attacking yourself. Let me Be With You without you putting that hand between us."
(Note: That's my joke...I always think of my resistance as me saying with a straight arm, "Talk to the hand, Jesus!")
This morning, I was talking to my husband about Freedom. Our political environment right now is such a schizophrenic display of saying one thing and doing another when it comes to this f-word. I get this feeling that a part of us just can't wait to give our freedoms away, at the same time we are stealing someone else's. If we keep going, who knows..we could end up back in a type of feudal slavery (maybe we already are?). And then, of course, we'll blame our predicament on others. It's just another view of the same dreaming Mind.
So I'll be working on Trust for a while -- and isn't it handy that a new 6-CD set on just that topic arrived in the mail for me today?
"Ocean of Needs" vs. "Imagine your needs are already met" seems to be kicking in. The Helpful Stuff shows up in just the Perfect Way at the Perfect Time. I may be on to something.