The Ego Attraction to Death
Let's go in deep together, ok? Let's reeeealllllly look.
Let's take off the gloves we wear to to keep our hands clean. Let's take off the rosy glasses we've worn to hide the ugliness from ourselves. Let's remove the spiritual platitudes we've tatooed over our thoughts -- we thought that was erasing them when really it was protecting them -- so we can finally see the ugly ones they sit on top of. Let's stop believing our own PR about how spiritual we are. Let's stop drinking the kool-aid...or the lemonade we thought we were being spiritually evolved to make out of all the sour lemons we manifested. Let's stop putting lipstick of various pleasant-looking shades on the dirty pig that is the ego in an effort to make something that can only be horrific when seen for what it is seem "not so bad."
Let's really open the closets and doors of our minds. After all our efforts, it's STILL there. The ego. Doing the same things over and over that don't work has famously been called "the definition of insanity." So let's do something different!
We thought we were undoing the ego, and I'll give us this -- if you are still reading, and since I'm still writing -- we must have been making some progress. However, before we sprain our arms patting ourselves on the back, let's also realize (only because it is divinely Helpful) that we have also been cherishing the ego. We've been nursing it, like an ugly, blood-sucking monster, all these years...lifetimes. No matter how much we try to keep it at bay ("keep" being the keyword here), it's been gnawing at us, hounding us, driving us into sick compulsions and alliances, making us feel incomplete, needy, insignificantly small, worthless, diseased, poverty-stricken, broken....out-of-our-mind crazy. And that's on our good days.
I don't know what's going on in your mirror reality, but as I look around mine, I'm noticing an interesting (as in the ancient Chinese curse - "may you have an interesting life") pattern: the pipes are blowing up every time I turn around, computers are crashing, appliances are blowing up, house repair projects are getting stalled, "love" relationships are sending out S.O.S. signals. And when I get wind of what's happening in the rest of the world -- "out there" -- things don't look much better. The stock market is doing a free-fall, the dollar is doing a nose-dive, and the political landscape looks like a civil war pre-function, with all kinds of frothing-at-the-mouth politicians and pundits finger-pointing, name-calling, stand-taking. Every one is AGAINST everyone and everything else. Americans -- no, much of the Western world -- has good reason to question whether life as we know it -- with our cushy, capitalistic life-styles -- is coming to an end.
Speaking of conspiracies (ok, I needed to segue here) I'm not proud to say I've even taken myself down all kinds of conspiracy-related rabbit holes trying to make sense of things (like how the hell did W-7 come down on 9/11 if it was not even hit by a plane?), and you'd be correct if you guessed that yielded very little by way of help in understanding. It's a great way to nurture your paranoia, though, and chew up and spit out all the ACIM adages you thought you believed, especially ones like "Trust your Brother."
Or if used by the Holy Spirit, it's a great way to watch your ego mind yank your chain.
OH OH ...Get this: Even the sun is belching out mind-boggingly gigantic X-class flares that are being hurled towards the earth like cosmic proton weapons. One day last week I read that protons floating around us are charged up 100 times their usual amount right now. What's more, I just heard that they've discovered a whole new planet that is behind the sun in our same orbit...and that either we are stalking it or it is stalking us. Either way, long-term this can not be a good thing. (Out of respect for you and your patience with me, I won't even go near the Alien agenda.)
And let's not forget....even if everything else sorts out, the Mayan Calendar is coming to an end. *GASP* Soon! In a matter of a few months, really...unless that other guy is right and the world will actually end in September. *DUN* *DUN* *DUN*
And even if it doesn't, we have a looming food crisis, dying oceans, global warming, yadda yadda yadda. For others, they are losing their Social Security benefits, being diagnosed with ravaging cancers -- or their loved ones are. They are aging dramatically -- or their loved ones are. They are losing their jobs, their mortgages, their families, their sense of themselves.
I haven't told you anything you don't already know, but maybe you are like me most of the time, and you open a beer, pour a glass of wine, and try to forget it all while you read a good murder mystery. Irony!
The thing is -- it's so NOT funny, that I'm seeing how funny it is. The ego wants...no, needs... the Son of God to worship death by re-enacting the death ritual over and over and over and over.
Every little seemingly split off part goes through countless near-death and full-on death rehearsals in our so-called lives until we lose "life" in this reality for real. Everything around us is constantly warring and dying. We war because we fear death. We fear death, because we think we are at "war" with God and that it is our punishment. We think we are at "war" with God because we actually think we Killed him...or that we sure wanted to anyway.
I'm feeling this amazing sense of the seduction/manipulation going on here. We're not going to see the ego for what it is while we gloss over it with our platitudes. We have to put them down for a while, while we simultaneously pick up the Holy Spirit's hand. Just leave ideas like "death is just a doorway" on a shelf somewhere. We can pick them up again later if we want. But for the sake of seeing, let's let ourselves feel how much attraction death holds for us. How much we want to run from it...and secretly to it. We see it playing out in every aspect of our lives. Our mask self weeps at all the funerals, but the ego secretly licks its lips and relishes its victory.
If you don't think that's true, just think about the Romans and the lion pit....or picture yourself at the last car wreck....or picture yourself at the water cooler at work during the saga of a long, drawn-out highly-publicized murder trial.
Can you feel the bloodthirsty ego in you? IT'S OK! Don't be afraid to feel the hate. It's incredibly uncomfortable, but like I was sharing today over heart-warming Truth Giggles with a new Dear Friend, no one ever died from feeling uncomfortable. That's actually when we start to live.
My new Dear Friend also gave me a big Truth shiver down the spine when she told me this: It's all held in place by Deep Self Hatred. So if you thought the ego was kinda okay before, think on this. Holding and protecting the ego in anyway is an act of extreme cruelty to the Self. There's just no way to dress that one up.
And yet...we each come to the point of readiness at our own pace. We gotta hold the Holy Spirit's hand and have enough Trust in Him to know that we stand a good chance of surviving after we take the plunge, even though it's really uncomfortable. We gotta ignore the ego's lies that tell us WE are going to die -- or wish we would -- if we look. That means we gotta be far enough along to discern between the voices in our Mind...we need to tell Who is whispering the Truth, and who is screaming the lies.
ACIM lesson 21-ish asks us to practice, "I am determined to see differently." When we start to see differently, we begin to realize that it is all far too silly to be believable. And that's when we're on to the Truth.