Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Answer to a friend
With the proverbial ink barely dry on the oh-so cheery Death post I just made, it seems like an appropriate time to answer that question (for my Self, which my friend, being an image in my mind, has so perfectly mirrored for me.) And actually, what is interesting is that a few weeks ago when he wrote to me the same answer didn't come forth...I wasn't there yet.
My answer then was -- we don't commit suicide because death is nothing, and that's because this life is nothing. Both are just dreams the asleep mind is watching like a movie. Instead we use the stuff of our lives as a "classroom" to unlearn our blocks to Truth. Even if their worldly purpose is ultimately an illusion, the things we do and the people we do them with have a Purpose in leading us Home, if you will, as we allow the Right Teacher to interpret things for us.
The honest truth is that I once, many years ago now, really thought hard about suicide. I didn't like the movie I was in, and all I knew was it really sucked to be me. I had enough openness to scream at Holy Spirit in my mind (I think I was trying to lay a guilt trip on him now that I think back...*chuckle*)
Me: "Dear God, -- Yeah, that's right...You up there! Don't pretend you don't hear me. You know it's me. Well, anyway, this whole life didn't work out. I have no idea how to make it work out, and, honestly, you are not being any help. I'm really thinking of ending it...and I ain't fooling. I've even thought about how. I'm miserable, do you hear me?! So...anyway...don't try to talk me out of it. Thanks."
Holy Spirit: **loud party noises, including popping of corks, clinking of glasses, noisemakers, and loud cheering**
Me: "HELLO? I'm talking of killing myself here and you are throwing a FREAKING PARTY???"
Holy Spirit: "We sure are. You are so close to choosing to Wake Up and Join Us. We are celebrating!" ::KLINK!::
Me: "Yeah, well, I don't know what kind of little reverse psychology trick you are trying to pull, but I'm on my third glass of cheap white wine on an empty stomach. It's a couple days before Christmas, and I'm all alone. I'm so sorry for myself it hurts physically. So I'm just saying...I'm going to end it. Really."
Holy Spirit: "Okay, well, how about you wait until your birthday and if you still want to kill yourself then, you have my blessing."
Me: **long thoughtful pause**
Me: "Well, okay, you caught me by surprise on that one. I suppose if I'm going to end my life for ever and ever, waiting 3 months can't hurt anything."
What I learned to love about that conversation is that the Holy Spirit never protested my plans. He just asked a tiny little question -- how about waiting a few weeks before you blow your brains out or swallow a bottle of pills? (over and over I am taught that it's impossible to argue with a question!)
Actually, the Holy Spirit didn't even to seem to think it was a big problem. It was one of the earliest times in my conscious conversation with this part of our Mind, and even then, the ho-hum attitude about my crisis came through. And the Gentleness. And, I must say, even then I noted the understated humor.
And then there was the completely un-understandable, gosh-darned optimism about my long-term prognosis! (By the way, I'm not special in this regard. He feels that way about all of us, 'cuz he knows the game the ego's playing is totally rigged -- and ego is scared out of its gourd that you'll find this out. Every way it's been played, Love always wins.)
So that was my experience. If I had gone through with it, the only problem would have been I would have reinforced the self hatred/guilt (i.e. ego). The decision to end your life on your own is almost always (I only say "almost" because how can I know what is in the best interests of everyone on their healing path? Only the Awake part of the mind -- the Holy Spirit, for lack of a better name -- can know that for each of the splintered off parts) the ego's solution.
The ego loves suicide, because it keeps the ego real to us.
But here's my thought today. All of that is true above, however, we are "committing" suicide, in a sense, through our identification with the ego in every moment. Through our attraction to death. We don't feel it that directly (it's disguised specifically so we won't.) We feel it as financial problems, sick bodies, arguments, car accidents, paper cuts, boring PowerPoint presentations, the loss of a pet or a sibling or a child. We feel it as the loss of our pride. The loss of our hair. The loss of our importance.
We are reliving the death experience over and over and over in little ways (like I wrote in my last post) until we relive it in the body...and which point we seem to be in a new body and then relive it over and over. Wash rinse and repeat. How many times?
Until we stop. When do we stop? When we say and really mean -- I want Peace -- as much as we can in any given moment, which activates the "undoing" process. Until we forget, of course, at which point we'll hum a long a while until we get to the next crisis and then remember how much we'd sure like to stop the relentless death march and we change our purpose to finding Peace again. That's "how long" in so-called time.
But really it already happened. So we're just deciding how long we'd like to take before we Accept. And that happens in an Instant.
I started sharing ideas at On Waking Up in 2010, almost 7 years ago now. Prior to that I'd studied A Course in Miracles for many years...
I muse a lot about different forms of my rage and self hatred on this blog. All the so-called problems, moods, judgments....we know they ar...
I thought this was a beautiful summary of what seems to happen as we undo our old attachments and how our existing relationships can be unco...
Let's go in deep together, ok? Let's reeeealllllly look. Let's take off the gloves we wear to to keep our hands clean. Let&...