Thursday, July 7, 2011
You think, "My legs are tired, my feet are sore. The worst part is that I've seen this scenery before."
My guess is that most of us "hit the wall" from time to time. We feel stuck, discouraged. We judge ourselves for not being "over" the ego.
If you've been at this a while, it's likely that you will think (never a good thing to do) that you are covering the same territory and your practice (whatever it is) is not working. You watch yourself dealing with the same ego thoughts, the same old patterns, the insecurities, the fears, the jealousies, the masks, the addictions, the doubt, the shame, the guilt, the anticipation, the desire, the judgment.
You hit the wall. Now ego thoughts about having had ego thoughts take you in a tailspin ...it's a circular trap designed to keep you hostage. You feel like you've failed. Again. What's more...you feel like you are bad, weak, lesser than.
But Truth (which you might notice you turn to much quicker than you ever used to, right?) reminds you that the smartest fastest way up the mountain -- the way that you are being led, by the way, Truth says -- is to walk the switchbacks. Back and forth, back and forth, you cover what seems to be the same old territory over and over and over. Oh, but each time from a slightly higher perspective. That's Significant!
How does this higher perspective show up? Yes, you still have to deal with many of the same old things. But did you notice you suffer less before you reach to Truth for peace? You feel lighter because you aren't carrying so much baggage. Even though you judge, you can notice that you judge less than you used to... and now you surprise yourself even because you find that during a typical situation that would have sent you into a ego frenzy, you just sit back and watch your mind quietly with Spirit. It's a Miracle.
You may even be to the point of allowing yourself to sit, uncomfortably, in a place of "not doing" and "not knowing" during those times that used to compel you to fix, do, change, react, judge, say something, call someone, make a move of some kind, etc. You notice the discomfort and just let it be, while you watch your reflexive impulses try to tempt you into fixing, changing, judging, doing something...and as you watch without judgment, maybe you've noticed Peace replacing the feelings and thoughts that felt so real just a moment before. Peace comes in and does all the work in your mind --- and seemingly without, too -- all by Itself. You just had to let it do It's job.
You also notice -- thank the Lord! -- that you are kinder with yourself when you do fall asleep at the wheel of your awareness, so to speak. At the end of the ego fit (that you know was just a futile attempt to defend against the Truth in some way), you say, "Huh." No drama, no gnashing of teeth. Simple.
Without any condemnation, you then remind yourself of what really happened. "My fear of losing myself is so great still that I pushed Love away and chose the drama of meaninglessness. I went back to MY way, my perceptions. But it's okay. It's not a big deal. Officially no harm has been done, per the Holy Spirit! But now let me remember what I want...I want the Peace of being Home."
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